Feeling sad today, for no particular reason. Well, obviously there's a reason, but there wasn't one thing that set me off. We went to the hospital for the spinal tap and seeing Jim in his gown while we waited an hour and a half for the procedure to begin just made it more real. Of course, it's always real for Jim that he has some condition that causes intense pain, but I get to forget about the reality of it more.
They wheeled him away and maybe because he wasn't there anymore for me to talk nervously to and try to distract both of us, I could feel tears welling up. I was able to not break down, but I knew it would happen later.
The spinal tap itself ended up being no big deal. Jim said they numbed his back (he was on his stomach, which allowed him to fully relax his muscles) and he didn't even realize they had started collecting the fluid when they told him one vial was already full. The whole thing lasted about 10 minutes.
Afterward, he was to lie flat on his back for about an hour, which he did. I got lunch from the cafeteria for both of us and brought it back to Jim's room (not actually a room, just a three-sided space with a curtain on the fourth side. We could hear other patients along the hallway in the other spaces and they did not sound good). We ate, waited, and then went home, where Jim is almost finished with his 8-hours-lying-flat discharge directive.
I decided that releasing this latest stress, anxiety and sadness was probably for the best, so I just let myself break down at home and got it all out. Well, maybe not all, but some. It felt good to be self-indulgent and I did feel a sense of relief afterward. I talked to Jim about it and he's down too. We're in this together and I'm glad we can be honest with each other about what we're feeling. Sounds like a self-help book! But it's actually helpful!
Now, on to the waiting game until we have the results.
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